How Life Transitions Affect Our Identity... And Our Mood

In The Conscious Bride, Sheryl Paul writes incredibly eloquently about how transitions – like weddings – have three stages: separation, in limbo, and rebirth.  

Separation is a process of letting go. We detach from the life we had before. We grieve for what’s lost, and we make space for what’s to come.

Limbo might be the most uncomfortable stage: we’re neither who we used to be, nor who we will become. This is the bulk of the engagement period. You’re no longer fully single, but not yet married. Sometimes people feel numb, disoriented, or like things are out of their control. 

Rebirth, also called incorporation, has to do with coming into a new identity, a new way of being. Once you actually get married, you take time to fold this new part of your life into your larger sense of self. You’re adding something new to the mix of who you are, and coming out with a new sense of identity and purpose. Over time, the grey fog of liminality clarifies into a new color that didn’t exist before.

One reason weddings are so emotionally fraught is that the wedding industry (and often our family and friends) tell us that we should only be happy while we’re planning a wedding. We aren’t given any space to reflect on what was, to grieve for our single selves, to acknowledge that even though this is a change we are excited about it, things won’t be the same.

It’s really confusing: we won’t be the same people we were before. A lot will be better, but some things won’t be as they were. You won’t be around 24/7 for your girlfriends anymore. You may want to check in with your significant other before you grab a beer after work. And while you may want to check in with that other person, there’s a loss of the self who didn’t have this on their mind before this commitment. That’s a meaningful change.

It’s okay to feel sad, confused, and alone during the times when we’re engaged but not yet married. We are so primed to skip over the discomfort of grief, loss, letting go of what was and what has been. When we don’t acknowledge this process of separation, we put those feelings into other things – often, planning, planning, planning. And as stressful as planning is, it’s concrete. You can come to a final decision about the song for your first dance and check it off to your to-do list. There’s no check-off list for grieving your single self, the person you were, and the unknown of what you’re entering into. There’s no checklist for the confusion of not knowing exactly what the future holds.

I’m here to encourage you to make space for all these parts of experience, even when it’s hard.

My In-Laws are Trying to Control My Wedding. What Do I Do?

This is so tricky. You are probably trying to build a good relationship with your in-laws, but the wedding belongs to you, not to them. Here’s how to understand what’s going on and move forward:

1.     Talk with your partner. How do they experience what’s going on? Is this kind of behavior normal for them, new to them? Is it how they grew up? Understanding this can help you figure out how to move forward. If it’s normal for them, you may have to explain that it isn’t normal for you. Emphasize that the wedding needs to be about you as a couple, rather than your extended families.

2.     Understand exactly what it is that’s bothering you. Is it specific requests that seem out of line, or is it that they are butting in at all?  

3.     Who is paying? If your in-laws are paying, then they do have some control, but you can still respectfully advocate for yourselves.

4.     Make sure you present a united front – that you and your partner speak as a “we,” and not as a “me.”  Your partner needs to back you up when you speak to their parents. Depending on the dynamic, it might make sense for just your partner, just you, or both of you to speak to your in-laws.

5.     Figure out a clear, respectful message and stick to it. This means stating your need clearly, but being polite, calm, and respectful. You may need to do this a few times if they don’t hear you the first time. It’s ok to repeat yourself.

6.     Here are some examples of what this might sound like: “We really appreciate that you are paying for the band, but we didn’t feel a connection with the musicians you suggested. We found someone else in a similar price range who seems like a great fit, and we’d like to work with them.”

 “We know it’s traditional for a bride to wear a veil in your family, and while we want to honor that tradition, I’m just not comfortable with it. What’s a different tradition we could incorporate instead?

“We’d love to have your book club friends at the wedding, and we know you were invited to their children’s weddings. But our budget doesn’t allow for it, and the space is too small to fit 5/10/20 extra people. We know they’ve been a big part of your life, and we’d be happy to meet them sometime before or after the wedding.”

7.     Pick your battles. If you’re on the fence about a veil and it would bring your in-laws a ton of happiness, consider letting it slide and making sure you get the band you really love.

8.     Remember that when an in-law starts taking over, it can be a way of compensating for a sense of loss some parents feel when their kids marry. Even if they love you, it can be scary for them to watch their child leave the family of origin and enter into a new family of their own.

Don't let social media ruin your honeymoon

You’ve bought your wedding dress, gotten the rings, made your timeline, walked down the aisle, and partied your heart out. After all the stress of your wedding, you finally get to relax on your honeymoon. Congratulations! But beware… Instagram goes where your phone goes. This great article in The New York Times talks about the pitfalls of spending too much time on your phone trying to get the perfect shot.

Some suggestions for making your honeymoon raise up your relationship:

• Talk with your (new!) husband/wife/person about what kind of social media use you want to have on your trip: do you want to be scrolling? Posting? Neither, or both?

• If you post: will you post during or after? Some couples find a good balance by taking pics while they’re away and posting once they’re home. This way, you get to share your trip but you’re not glued to your phone checking for likes when you could be spending time with your special person.

• How will you check in with each other to make sure you feel connected to each other - not just your phones - on your trip?

• What’s the longest amount of time you’d want to spend staging a shot?

• Would it be ok if your honeymoon isn’t the absolute best one of all time on social media? This could take some pressure off. Here’s another way to think about this. Ask yourself which is more important: enjoying the experience with your new husband or wife, or showing off to your friends?

At the end of the day, the most important thing that matters is that you’re both on the same page. To post or not to post isn’t the question — the question is whether you both feel good about your decision, so you can stay connected and deepen your relationship during the trip.

Bon voyage!

Three ways to de-stress during the holidays… especially if you’re staying with family

We’re adult enough to consider marriage. But sometimes when we go home for the holidays, we end up feeling like a little kid again. Here are some ways to stay centered and remind yourself that you are, in fact, a grown-up.

1. Take time for yourself. Read a book, take a walk, or meet up with a friend. Get out of the house, if you need to. Time alone can be restorative and help you get back in touch with the person you’ve become — not the person you were when you were 15.

2. Carve out time to spend alone with your partner. This can be as simple as watching TV by yourselves, getting some exercise, or cooking a meal for the rest of the family. If your partner helps you stay grounded in your regular life, alone time with them can help bring you back amid a chaotic or tense time.

   Be mindful of your partner, too: If you’re staying with your family, your partner may feel alienated or miss their own family, even if they’re welcomed by yours. The alone time with you may be equally important for them. Before you leave to go home, communicate about any anticipated challenges, what you need from one another, and how you can stay connected while you’re with family. Once you’re there, keep the conversation open and look out for one another.

3. Table hot-button wedding issues until after the holidays. Unless, of course, that makes it worse. If you can tolerate it, resist the urge to get into an argument with a family member right before or during a big meal or a big day.

   Let’s say mom wants to discuss the seating chart, which you and your fiancé just spent hours working on, and you may finally have a solution. Now mom wants to make sure uncle Marv isn’t seated near cousin Irma, because of that thing that happened in 1997… which will screw everything up.

   Instead of getting into it right before dinner, try something like this:

   “I’d be happy to discuss the seating chart, Mom, but this time together is so special. Can we set a time to talk about it next week?”

   This does a few things: it shows mom you respect her concerns and value the time you have together as a family. Setting aside a time to talk about it when everyone is calm will help you collect your thoughts and plan what you want to say. Finally, stick to the date you made to hear her out. Picking a calm time and a neutral place to have a tough conversation will go a long way toward everyone being heard and keeping tension low.