We’re adult enough to consider marriage. But sometimes when we go home for the holidays, we end up feeling like a little kid again. Here are some ways to stay centered and remind yourself that you are, in fact, a grown-up.
Take time for yourself. Read a book, take a walk, or meet up with a friend. Get out of the house, if you need to. Time alone can be restorative and help you get back in touch with the person you’ve become — not the person you were when you were 15.
Carve out time to spend alone with your partner. This can be as simple as watching TV by yourselves, getting some exercise, or cooking a meal for the rest of the family. If your partner helps you stay grounded in your regular life, alone time with them can help bring you back amid a chaotic or tense time.
Be mindful of your partner, too: If you’re staying with your family, your partner may feel alienated or miss their own family, even if they’re welcomed by yours. The alone time with you may be equally important for them. Before you leave to go home, communicate about any anticipated challenges, what you need from one another, and how you can stay connected while you’re with family. Once you’re there, keep the conversation open and look out for one another.
Table hot-button wedding issues until after the holidays. Unless, of course, that makes it worse. If you can tolerate it, resist the urge to get into an argument with a family member right before or during a big meal or a big day.
Let’s say mom wants to discuss the seating chart, which you and your fiancé just spent hours working on, and you may finally have a solution. Now mom wants to make sure uncle Marv isn’t seated near cousin Irma, because of that thing that happened in 1997… which will screw everything up.
Instead of getting into it right before dinner, try something like this:
“I’d be happy to discuss the seating chart, Mom, but this time together is so special. Can we set a time to talk about it next week?”
This does a few things: it shows mom you respect her concerns and value the time you have together as a family. Setting aside a time to talk about it when everyone is calm will help you collect your thoughts and plan what you want to say. Finally, stick to the date you made to hear her out. Picking a calm time and a neutral place to have a tough conversation will go a long way toward everyone being heard and keeping tension low.