This is so tricky. You are probably trying to build a good relationship with your in-laws, but the wedding belongs to you, not to them. Here’s how to understand what’s going on and move forward:
1. Talk with your partner. How do they experience what’s going on? Is this kind of behavior normal for them, new to them? Is it how they grew up? Understanding this can help you figure out how to move forward. If it’s normal for them, you may have to explain that it isn’t normal for you. Emphasize that the wedding needs to be about you as a couple, rather than your extended families.
2. Understand exactly what it is that’s bothering you. Is it specific requests that seem out of line, or is it that they are butting in at all?
3. Who is paying? If your in-laws are paying, then they do have some control, but you can still respectfully advocate for yourselves.
4. Make sure you present a united front – that you and your partner speak as a “we,” and not as a “me.” Your partner needs to back you up when you speak to their parents. Depending on the dynamic, it might make sense for just your partner, just you, or both of you to speak to your in-laws.
5. Figure out a clear, respectful message and stick to it. This means stating your need clearly, but being polite, calm, and respectful. You may need to do this a few times if they don’t hear you the first time. It’s ok to repeat yourself.
6. Here are some examples of what this might sound like: “We really appreciate that you are paying for the band, but we didn’t feel a connection with the musicians you suggested. We found someone else in a similar price range who seems like a great fit, and we’d like to work with them.”
“We know it’s traditional for a bride to wear a veil in your family, and while we want to honor that tradition, I’m just not comfortable with it. What’s a different tradition we could incorporate instead?
“We’d love to have your book club friends at the wedding, and we know you were invited to their children’s weddings. But our budget doesn’t allow for it, and the space is too small to fit 5/10/20 extra people. We know they’ve been a big part of your life, and we’d be happy to meet them sometime before or after the wedding.”
7. Pick your battles. If you’re on the fence about a veil and it would bring your in-laws a ton of happiness, consider letting it slide and making sure you get the band you really love.
8. Remember that when an in-law starts taking over, it can be a way of compensating for a sense of loss some parents feel when their kids marry. Even if they love you, it can be scary for them to watch their child leave the family of origin and enter into a new family of their own.